View Full Version : Diary of a Madman
Oh so appropriate. Since I changed my entire direction, I'm starting fresh. Ya ya, journal #132591591. Well, I'm going to update this daily, just to prove that with proper use of DNP, you don't die. So here it is...
Isometric diet @ 2059 calories. This week up until Friday is to adjust to it. I will need to carb deplete then.
Training split: Sun-Fri
1 - Chest/Shoulders/Triceps
2 - Cardio, 40 minutes interval training.
3 - Back/Biceps/Forearms
4 - Cardio, 40 minutes interval training.
5 - Legs
6 - Cardio, Low Impact Stationary Bike, 40 minutes.
7 - Rest
Today we start with some cardio of course. I won't begin my full cycle of DNP until next Monday. Sleep last night was horrid, 4 hours. Stayed up all night BSing over the phone. Was also pretty funny, cause this dude's chick was checking me up at the gym. Ah, just a random rambling to keep me motivated and confident that what I am doing so far is working great... He got pretty pissed but didn't say anything. Thank God, knowing my temper things get out of hand too easily.
Diet so far = Good. But it's 9am. I'm at work, and I have my meals all seperated and ready. I'm a little hungry, too. Seems breakfast wasn't enough to really satiate me this morning. Not sure why. Had a 1/2 cup oats, some powder, and about 32 oz. water. No EFA. Out of peanut butter. I shoulda used flax. Also got some ECA in me, so that really makes it strange. :confused:
August 6, 2001 -
First day, and I'm already slacking. I missed a meal, talking to Amber and some friends today... didn't even think about it. My sleep was 4 hours, and I had no energy at all on the treadmill. I lasted 25 minutes @ ~240 calories...
Tonight I'm in bed by 9:30. Tomorrow is a new day. I just feel like hell right now. A combination of things, physically and mentally I'm just worn out. Been doing a lot of mulling lately, and one of my ex girlfriends comes to mind a lot. I crossed paths with her the other day. Mainly thinking about her a lot - because I saw her, and put the date together for some reason... she's leaving in 5 days for Oklahoma? Why should I give a ****, we don't talk. I just need to get this over with and get back to mass building. Hopefully in five weeks tops I will have made it.
****ing need to get my **** straight, in the middle of editing this and I realize - Gosh, I put my Oats in the microwave without water. :rolleyes:
08-07-2001, 06:56 AM
Get some sleep foo.
August 7, 2001 -
Yeah well, nothing to brag about today either. Back/Biceps. Whateva. HS Curl is down 5 lbs. I think it's just my physical and mental state right now. Not good. Maybe I'll get on track sometime soon. Last time I squatted, was about 3 weeks ago... and I managed to squeeze a 390. Not too shabby. I'll try to beat that this week. Looking forward to Thursday... Not.
Diet is fine. Dieting sucks period, but you know. I'm feeling negative, so I'll quit writing in today's journal as well. Later.
August 8, 2001 -
Well I didn't even go today. Was supposed to hit some cardio but I just can't bring myself to do it. About to give up on this diet thing altogether and just ... do whatever. Too much to worry about, and I've got enough as it is.
Right now I'm really apathetic. But whatever. This journal so far has proven to be a waste of Hulk's server space.
08-09-2001, 10:17 AM
What the hell is DNP and what is it doing for you?
Surely you can't still be cutting?
I'm still cutting, yes. Also, I need a release, so I'm going to start putting personal babble in here as well. If you don't wanna read it, don't... but I just need to get it all out, for my own emotional well being...
Monday, August 13,
Well, she's leaving. Wham, and it's like that. I don't really know what I'm feeling at the moment. I've never been this way over anyone. I could always say with 100% confidence, that I'd get over it with time. But now I find myself thinking over this... time, after time. I actually sat here and cried tonight over this. Like a damned knife, being driven into my chest. It never struck me until now, just how freaking much I'm going to miss her. And the gap in between our split and today, well... has been anything but short. You'd think in a few months, I'd get over it. Goes to show, we do crazy things, and act crazy when we've fallen in love.
I was planning on going to bed, but I'm not so sure I can do anything but ye olde stare at the ceiling bit. There's so many questions I still want to ask... but now I can't, for fear of looking like a complete psycho about it. And you know, I probably am a bit loco over this all. Why did it just end like that, if it was so "perfect"? Why did we go so long without a word, if it was so genuine? And why the hell am I going to be sitting here, wondering where my life and my self is... and she'll be a thousand miles away. Why is my Angel so far out of reach?
I'll cry myself dry. I'm prepared to... I've held back for so long, and I just can't do it anymore. I need to let it all out. I don't know where I'm headed, or what I want anymore. Except to just be able to look down, and look into her eyes for another morning, and hear that groggy "Hey, you."
I guess now that I've made myself a complete wreck I should go to bed, and try to sleep. Goodnight.
08-12-2001, 11:50 PM
Get some sleep.
08-13-2001, 12:04 AM
yaz man, ya, get some sleep. hey, i've been really hurt by a girl that i fell in love with just recently too. if you need anyone to talk to, just message me man. this shit is gonna take time. but just hang in there bro.
Thanks Term, I appreciate it. It's good to know I can talk to someone about it. My buddies in RT don't wanna hear it. In their eyes, I should go nail some hottie and be done with it all. It don't work like that. It just goes to show there's guys, and men. I'd like to consider myself the latter, though only 19. I'm a lot more than people give me credit for.
Here's what my training looks like for today... Btw, noticed some muscle growth in the pec area.
Flat Barbell Press - Shooting for 225 x 5. (Last week: 220 x 6 last workset.)
Incline DB Press - " " 70's @ 8. (I'm wondering if my delts are undertrained...)
Cable Crossovers - " " 60 slow @ 8-10. (Last week: 55 x 10 last workset)
Lying French Press - " " 115 @ 8. (Last week: 110 x 10 last workset)
Rope Pressdown - " " 140 @ 6. (Last week: 130 x 10 last workset)
August 13 -
Training was decent today. Lying French Press I nailed my goal. Bench went up to 230 x 4. 225 was easier than I thought, when I was practically frothing from the mouth and in tears at the same time. Today was worse than yesterday, quite frankly. So I decided to get it off my chest, some way. I sent her brother an e-mail... at his ORU addy, which read the following: (Brace yourselves, a long babble.)
Hopefully this is the right JT. We've never talked, and you probably just know me as the jerk, or something. It's Ryan. And before you delete this and say hell with that, just gimme a minute to explain why I looked you up.
Ya'know, you were with Megan when she said to have a nice life, and I just sort of walked off after she turned away like she did. Well, needless to say I didn't know what to come back with at the time. And I guess now that yall are at a distance, I can just be honest 'bout it all. This isn't the same melodrama your sister is probably used to. In fact, it's probably the last thing she expects to ever hear. Or wants to. But I deserve to at least put it down on the table for the viewing (Or not).
I'm not sure if this is a good time, since she's getting settled in still most likely, but I'm notorious for saying I'll do something, and not following through. So I gotta do it now, while they're in tact and working. (You know?)
So here goes...
I'm not at all sure why it ever cut off 3 months prior. I've got the feeling there wasn't really anything there, despite the front that was put on. That's the over-rationalizing. If it had been anything remotely close to what I perceived, then there was no way it could have been so easily dropped off and a goodbye forced like that. Not to say some of it isn't my fault, with my constant persistance. I've never been with somebody like that. She never was like any of the rest. Different, and in a good way. (I mean that.) - To be honest, I felt so real when she'd look back at me, and when it was all gone and out of reach I lost my reality. She kept a piece of my heart, and always will... despite the short-lived relationship, and the situation we ended on. And I assure you, that's a piece of my heart I'll never want to take back. I have no regrets for ever feeling the way I did. The only thing I regret is never fighting to get an honest answer. Because she went off to college, or just one morning she woke up and finally realized, "What am I doing?"
Regardless, I apologize for never taking your feelings into account during this, Megan. I never stopped to think just how hard this move out of state, away from your parents was in the first place. The absence of them is most likely stressful enough, and the last thing you needed was another "obligation". (Though who knows, if we had remained friends... what would have happened. It was never my intentions to be just a "boyfriend". Confiding in me, and you being able to laugh and cry, and never be embarrassed about it were also my intentions. Relationships aren't just about your typical teenage 'infatuation', as someone once said to me. No sense dwelling on it, I figure. What's done is done.) - To close the negativity, I just hope that I was something even remotely as special to you, as you were to me. If you're wondering about the church, I skipped out for obvious reasons. One of those, being to allow you to just relax, and be Megan without having to have your "stomach in knots" over me. I don't know how or why it ended, I wish you'd set it all out instead of just saying "Deal with it." - In order to deal with it, I deserve some closure. (Shouldn't the fact you didn't talk to me for 3 months be closure? Sure. And to a point it makes me realize some things. But how we lost it, is beyond me. You never told the truth.)
All that said... I really didn't intend to get emotional about this. And I did not intend for you to get upset over any of this, if you are. Please don't. I'm just sending this to let you know that I hope you are successful in whatever you do. And I hope that as big a step as this is, that you'll never ever change from the Megan I knew. You're brave, confident, and independant. I admire you so much for that. I can honestly say, that out of any female I've ever met in my life - You, by far, are the strongest of them all. Keep heading forward, girl. The rest of your life is waiting for you to take it by the hand.
You're my warrior with wings. Keep smiling, "Angel".
Forever, You're in my prayers.
And that's it for today, folks... more drama on the 'morrow. I've got a headache, I had two bowls of oats, an apple and a couple protein shakes all day, and those were forced down the chute. Sick to my stomach. And this disturbs me. Usually when I get upset I'll turn into a human garbage disposal. The very thought of food makes me want to vomit, my stomach is so twisted up.
08-13-2001, 07:27 PM
whoa yaz, your thing with this girl is even more dramatic that mine was with my girl.
but i got a question, why did you send that to her bro?
and i think you should download a song:
incubus - "the warmth" you've probably heard it before, but still, it's good for your situation.
I sent it to JT because he's the only way I have to contact her. I'm sure he'll at least suggest she look at it. I'm guessing that her parents aren't even going to acknowledge me if I try to say something to them.
The song that hits close to home is "My December" by Linkin Park.
08-13-2001, 07:50 PM
Yaz= juicehead killa with feelings
That was deep bro.
Heh, now all that's left to do is walk away on my own. I don't expect I'll ever hear from her again. But at least I know it's out there somewhere. A couple days of drowning in my tears, and I'll hopefully be back on my feet again.
If not, I don't know. It doesn't get much more painful than this.
August 14 -
I was supposed to do cardio tonight, but for some reason I didn't. I had started on my way to the gym, when I decided to pass it up... and just let myself get it together before I went in there and just did an overall not-so-good job. Well I kept driving. For two hours. Then, of course, the song which hits so close to home came up on my CD... the lyrics spoke:
"These are my snow covered trees. This is me pretending... this is all I need."
And I couldn't help it, but to begin sobbing right there in front of a mass of rush hour people coming home from work. Megan IS gone, yes. But the emptiness within wasn't all her. I lost a girl I had fallen in love with, and probably always will care for. But worst of all, I lost myself, and I lost my relationship with God. I had declined from going to church for almost 3 months because of the breakup, and I did not want to cause any more problems by being there. Slowly, I slipped away... further and further. Outside of those church doors, after you've taken hold of the Almighty's hand and walked with him a mile, you can sense it. Like a battleground. That is the real world. Without that sanctuary, it begins to wear and tear at our very essence.
My heart hurts. I love that girl. Do I ever!
But my soul bleeds. I long for an embrace which can only be described as 'divine'.
That explained, something drove me to visit the church tonight. I didn't expect anyone to be there, but strangely enough there were a few cars there. I pulled into the parking lot, sat a minute to wipe my face... and then got out and went into the church. I walked the hallway, and took a glance to the right. Much to my surprise, an open door. For the first time in 3 months, Pastor Tim was sitting there working late at night. THREE MONTHS. But for a reason, he was there tonight. It wasn't coincidence. It was planned. I truly believe this. We sat down, and we talked for almost an hour. I spilled my guts to him, everything I've felt for these past 3 months. It's all out now. And to a point, I feel good about it.
I've not only shed some weight of tears... But I'm back with the Lord. And for that, I am thankful beyond words. I'm never walking away again.
(I know this is dramatic, this whole journal is. But this can only be described with dramatic words.)
August 15 -
Good workout. I took Chigs's advice. One vertical row, one horizontal row, shrugs, and some low volume bicep work. Went to absolute failure, was killer. Good stuff. Diet is sorta off tonight.
And, for my personal life ... the goings-on are as difficult as the day before. Was driving around tonight, and I made a pit stop at the church. I sat on the Sanctuary stairs for some time... having a chat with the family upstairs. I couldn't sit and say what I'd wanted to say... so I walked into the field beside the church, and stood atop a grass mound. He knew what I was feeling, but I'd never shouted it to him at midnight... arms held up. He had no choice but to see me. And if I weren't in such a bad mental state right now emotionally... I'd be sure that when I said "Goodnight" tonight, I heard a "goodnight" in return.
Pastor Tim explained it, and some of it made lots of sense. Hell has been pulling on my soul, and pulling me away from my God for so long. I've found my feet, and I'm starting to walk my path again. And now he's fighting harder than ever. The only thing to believe, is that now the fight has become so intense... that God has really big plans for me, really really soon. This pain is nearly unbearable, and to say excruciating is an understatement. It's beyond what any words could describe. A loss of self, the fear of love, and a struggle to push my way home. I know that heaven walks beside me, but sometimes... it's almost like it's me, nose to nose with the Devil himself. I may be in the flesh, but this is one Xian that he doesn't want to f**k wth.
I may cry myself to sleep, for Lord knows how long. But one thing, I will always be a Child of God. After all of this, and I have not been forsaken... how could you not love and adore such a forgiving essence?
08-15-2001, 11:16 PM
wow yaz, i didn't know you were a xian. props bro. i am, and can speak for everyone else, we're all with ya.
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